What does a Christian marriage look like? Not a Christian wedding, but a Christian marriage. What does it look like to be a godly father? Some think being a Christian family man is simply taking the family to church or praying before a meal. Those things have value for sure, but so much more is expected. In my twenties, before I was married, I attended a men’s ministry conference where pastors talked about how to be a godly man, godly husband, godly worker, godly father, etc. I took notes as a pastor spoke on being a Christian family man. This essay is a compilation of those notes, as well as some additional things I’ve added over the years. I hope to challenge and encourage men to consider some extra steps in satisfying their role as a God-fearing husband and father. The following points are in no particular order.
Pray daily for my wife. No other person on the planet is as concerned for my wife’s wellbeing as I am. No other person is in a covenant relationship with her, only me. If I’m not covering her in prayer, who will be? Satan is actively trying to destroy her. I made a covenant vow with the Lord that I would honor, cherish, and protect her. So, the greatest way that I can do that is to keep her covered in prayer. Ephesians 6:18
Pray daily with my wife. When I invite her to pray with me, I am showing her that I trust the Lord. I’m also showing her that I value her prayers. Praying together communicates that Christ is at the center of the marriage relationship. Praying with her shows her that we’re a team; that she’s a partner and a help to me. Matthew 18:19
Write my wife a letter, the kind she wants to read. Husbands have things in mind that we want our wives to hear, and then there are things we know they want to hear. The difference matters! Write her the kind of note that speaks her language and fills her tank. Song of Solomon 4:7
Discover my wife’s top three needs, and go out and meet them. Sometimes when I come home from work, the first thing I’ll ask my wife is, “What can I help you with?” These are immediate needs. Other times I seek to discover what her broader needs are, which could be things like, “I need a bigger desk at home,” or, “I need to go visit my sister, it’s been too long,” or, “I need you to do the cooking on Wednesdays and Fridays.” I want to find out what makes her life easier, more satisfying, and show her that what matters to her also matters to me. 1 Corinthians 10:24
Buy my wife flowers and tell her that marrying her was the smartest thing I’ve ever done. Simple. Don’t overthink it. Proverbs 18:22
Pay for my wife to have a two-day break from her life. The need for this was more evident when we had smaller children in the house, but I still do this now with our kids grown and out of the house. This doesn’t have to be anything extravagant. It could mean putting some money in the budget so that she and I can get away for a bit, even a local hotel or something. Or, it can be that for two days, she’s got a little money to pamper herself with, and she’s out all day doing the things she wants to do, while I take care of everything at the house. These are practical ways to give her rest and refresh her, like a mini-retreat. Our Savior, Jesus invites us to come to Him for spiritual and emotional rest. He is able to provide that, according to our unique needs. Jesus would regularly remove His disciples from the chaos of ministry, and take a mini retreat with them. The principle is the same for husbands, who want to provide a type of physical and emotional respite for their wives. Matthew 11:28
Read the Scriptures to my wife. If I value the Word of God, I ought to share it with those that I love. Reading and discussing God’s Word together should be something that all married couples do. When I read the Word to, and with, my wife, it emphasizes the value of His Word in our lives and in our marriage. Psalm 119:103
Never say the word divorce. Back in Jesus’ day, the Israelites had allowed divorce to become a common thing, and people divorced for any flippant reason. Sadly, it’s still a common an acceptable option. This can’t be! Christians are equally guilty of this, and the Church has to right this wrong. God hates divorce. If divorce is seen as an option, it’ll be threatened over one another as an option. Malachi 2:16
Remain faithful to my wife in action and in thought. Thinking that a man can look but not touch, is a fool’s way of thinking. If you can’t have it, then you ought not to be gazing upon it, period. Too often, a husband will sexually condition himself to be pleased with fantasy, and then find himself no longer pleased with the reality of his wife. This spurs on the need for more fantasy and creates further intimacy separation within their marriage. Remember that lustful thoughts are as sinful to God as physical behaviors. Matthew 5:28
Fulfill my marriage covenant to my wife, to love, honor, and cherish her. A husband who doesn’t do these things won’t even have his prayers heard by the Lord. 1 Peter 3:7
If children come, think rightly of them, understanding their value and worth. I can’t imagine life without my kids. I cherish them so much. They add such great purpose and meaning to my life. This doesn’t mean that a life without children is devoid of purpose, but kids create a different type of purpose. A godly father places such high value upon his kids. Kids aren’t a burden, they aren’t a regret, and anyone claiming that they are, clearly doesn’t have godly thinking. Kids are a gift, a reward, a blessing. Kids are God’s way to strengthen the home. Psalm 127:3-5
Casually discuss God’s Word and how it practically relates to life. I say “casually discuss”, because when parenting, we ought to sprinkle in discussions about God’s Word into everyday life, so that our kids can see how practical and valuable His Word is. A couple of ways that we did this with our kids is that when driving, I’d ask them, “Do you have any questions about anything?” My son especially would always have a question, and his questions would be very random; about dinosaurs, eating, clouds, his fingers, etc. I’d simply respond with truths and I’d include the Bible in everything I shared. Another thing we did, took place at the dinner table. We placed two jars in the center of the table. One jar was filled with little strips of paper, over a hundred of them, and on each strip was a topic. The topics could be about anything; kissing, money, anger, clothing, gardening, forgiveness, etc. Each night one kid got to reach in and randomly pick a strip of paper out, which they thought was fun, like getting to push the button on an elevator. They’d read the topic aloud and then put that strip into the second jar. Whatever the topic was, we’d ask them questions about it, getting their input, and then we’d share what the Bible says about it. Once the first jar was empty, and all the strips were put into the second jar, we’d just start over again. By the time we’d hit the same topic again, a year or more might have passed and the kids usually had a different view on the subject. Deuteronomy 6:7
Lead a family night once a week. In raising our kids, we’d plan a fun family night once a week, using a series of books called Family Nights Tool Chest, by Focus on the Family. Each family night we had a fun dessert, and the books provided a lesson, crafts, games, and discussion questions. The kids loved family night and we did too! Proverbs 22:6
Use circumstances to teach my children to trust God. I remember being about 9 years old, and my dad lost his job. We had a family meeting and my dad explained the situation and we all prayed together for the Lord to provide for us, and that God would lead my dad to a new job. As opportunities come up, direct your kids’ attention to the Lord, showing that He’s always with us and sees us, and He can be trusted. Psalm 71:15-17
Protect my family from evil; intruders, television, music, etc. Yes, the man ought to be a physical force that protects his home from intruders. However, most intruders are more subtle and come through the television and headphones. A Christian family man sees the value of filtering what his family sees and hears. Have standards that rise above the norm of the day. Don’t just let your family absorb whatever is popular, even if your kids think you’re being a prude for having rules. Nobody likes boundaries, but a real man puts up guardrails for his family and is willing to have tough discussions that weak men shy away from. Hebrews 12:11
Restrain my children’s passions. Kids could get overly hyped about anything – cheerleading, clothes, cars, comic books, certain celebrities, boyfriends/girlfriends, etc. Passion means that one is willing to suffer for something. While it’s good to let kids explore certain interests, there’s wisdom in restraining their passions. For example, I knew a family that had their son in three baseball teams at once, including traveling competitive teams, etc. Every weeknight, and all weekend long, all year long, life was nothing but baseball. Of course this kid’s goal was to be a major league player. But at what cost? Forget church, forget youth group, forget anything that interfered with baseball. Baseball governed their lives. Another family had a daughter who was obsessed with a famous female singer. She listened to her music constantly, cut her hair like the singer, dressed like the singer, had posters of the singer all over the walls of her room, had many magazines that talked about this singer, and the parents took their daughter to several of her concerts. Passions can become idols. Galatians 5:24
Protect my kid’s heart and body from recreational dating. Recreational dating is when two people commit to an exclusive relationship where they give of themselves emotionally and physically to each other. This might go on for days, weeks, months, or years, until one of them gets bored, irritated, or finds somebody else more attractive. Then they break up. This pattern continues, sometimes for many years and with many people, until you marry the last person in a string of this behavior. Sadly, Christians have embraced this pattern of recreational dating as the norm. Many Christians are getting married who have given themselves emotionally and physically to many other people besides their spouse. This is not God’s plan. Recreational dating brings needless baggage into marriage relationships, and conditions people to see divorce as an option. The Bible is full of teachings on self-denial, patience, and pursuits of righteousness, above pursuits of the flesh. The love shared between a man and a woman ought to be restrained until it’s appropriate time. Song of Songs 2:7
Set spiritual goals for my children, and work together to meet them. Growing up, kids think mainly about school, friends, and fitting in, but generally not about spiritual maturity or setting spiritual goals for themselves. I know for myself, spiritual goals certainly weren’t on my list of priorities, either as a kid or as a teenager. That’s why it’s so important for parents to set spiritual goals for their kids, and help them achieve these goals. Take for example a kid who plays baseball; he wants to swing for the fences every time he gets up to the plate. But a coach helps a player work on fundamentals that the player isn’t even thinking about. The coach sees things in a players run, stance, and swing, that the player can’t see himself. The coach has a vantage point. Likewise, a father sees shortcomings in his kid that the kid doesn’t see. Spiritual goals call out and correct tendencies, like anger, unforgiveness, pride, laziness, etc. Isaiah 54:13
Go on a mission trip with my family. I’ve had the blessing of taking my family on many short-term mission trips. We’d work with impoverished families in Mexico, or do homeless ministry in San Francisco. Sometimes we’d be gone for a week, and other times, we’d be gone for an afternoon. Missions can be done locally or abroad. It’s important to show our kids the value of being others-minded. As well, trying to get them to grasp a global world view for the Church, and being kingdom-minded, is equally important. Mark 16:15
Catch my kids doing something right. We tend to be quick to speak when we catch our kids doing something wrong. But how often are we encouraging? Some people have literally never been encouraged in their life. Validating the good choices of young men, helps turn them into strong men. Validating the good choices of young ladies, helps turn them into respectable women. People can get tired of doing what’s right, if they see no reward, if they get no encouragement. It can be something as simple as, “I noticed how you held the door open for her. That was a great thing to do. I’m proud of you.” Your kids will remember that! Romans 14:19
Sacrifice your wants and needs so that your kids have theirs met. I remember times when money was tight, and I’d make sure my kids had a full plate of food, while my plate had very little. It’s not that God ever failed to provide, but some days, not many, I had to sacrifice so that my kids had enough. Even now, with adult children, if they ask for some financial help, and I have the means to give it to them, then I do. I’m not talking about enabling any poor money management on their part, but after talking through their budget and their goals, if I can help get them over a hump, when God has given me the means to do so, then it’s a delight to give them good gifts when they ask. Matthew 7:9-10
Date my daughter and spoil her on the dates. Raising my kids on a pastor’s salary, we lived paycheck to paycheck. Still, I’d budget my finances well, and I saved for important events. I remember taking my daughter away for an overnight. She was about twelve or thirteen years old. We lived in California and traveled to Santa Cruz. We went to a fancy dinner and had an amazing view overlooking the water. During the meal, I pulled out a gold ring with a small diamond on it. It wasn’t anything extravagant, but it was real. I gave it to her and asked her to wear it as a promise ring for her future husband. My pledge was that I’d do my part to raise her up as best as I could, and asked that she’d do her best to honor the Lord and trust my leadership in her life. I wasn’t the best dad, but I was blessed to be able to walk her down the aisle at her wedding, and then turn and officiate the wedding as a minister. Those were special moments in our lives. Psalm 144:12
Inspect what I expect. I remember being a pastor in the church, and a father came to me upset because his son was listening to music that the dad considered to be evil. The dad had snatched away the sons MP3 player and told him he’d lost the privilege of having it. When I’d asked the dad about his rules for the house, regarding music, he said he’d never given any to the kids, but insisted that they ought to just know better. The dad was mad at the son, and the son was mad at the dad, and all of this was due to poor communication. As parents, we can’t assume that our kids will simply know what’s expected of them. Parents have to provide boundaries, and then check in from time to time to see that those boundaries are being honored. Having no boundaries is bad. Having boundaries with no accountability is also bad. Proverbs 27:23
Do a Proverbs Bible study with my teens. The book of Proverbs is not a book of guarantees, but a book of tendencies. It tells you how life tends to work. Proverbs are rich with life application and wisdom. They are great to read through with teenagers, as teens are at an age where they are formulating moral and ethical foundations for their lives, and beginning to contemplate consequences for their behaviors. Proverbs 1:8
Pray with and for my children. If you don’t think Satan’s actively trying to kill your kids, then you’re not thinking. Satan hates you and he hates your family. Take up the mantle of being your children’s greatest prayer warrior. It’s your job, and nobody else will pray as fervently as their dad will. Don’t assume their grandparents are doing this, or their youth leader from church. Own this role and make it a priority. Bathe them in prayer, daily. Speak the Scriptures over them. 1 Peter 5:8
Hug and kiss my kids at all ages. There’s an appropriate type of affection that ought to be always be present amongst family. Physical affection helps people bond. Verbal affirmation combined with healthy physical tough helps one another thrive. It communicates love. Something better happens when family goes beyond simply exchanging verbal greetings. Genesis 29:11-13
Ask my children for forgiveness. Nothing teaches like your own example. A dad that’s too prideful to seek forgiveness is a bad father, and a bad representation of a godly man. We should be quick to seek forgiveness when we’ve offended or wronged our kids. They need to know what humility looks like. They need to know that God is forgiving and approachable. If I don’t forgive, then I become unapproachable to my kids. Ephesians 4:32
Teach my kids how to pray and study the Bible on their own. I was raised by parents who were Christian. They told me about Jesus, took me to church, and tried to live with godly standards in the home. Ultimately, I had to have my own faith, independent of my parents. Eventually, I made decisions on my own to seek the Lord. Although I knew I could go to my parents for help, learning to go straight to the Lord was most important. I was taught to engage God’s Word and pray. I think Christian who are young in their faith can be intimidated about studying the Word, or concerned if they are praying correctly. Thankfully, God makes knowing and trusting Him inviting. Psalm 32:8
Charge my kids with a spiritual mission for what God wants to do in their lives. Put them on mission. Impute a purpose within them. Direct their behavior. You see in the Old Testament, before the great King David passed away, he charged his son Solomon with the command to act like a real man. Literally, that’s what he said. David knew that a real man is one who is fully devoted to God. It’s not enough to just suggest things to our kids. It’s a greater thing to charge it upon them, and call them into action. 1 Kings 2:1-4
Don’t give up on your prodigal child. I understand as a father that my kids will disappoint me, even anger me. And they’ve done both, to varying degrees. That’s life. As a kid, I disappointed and angered my parents. However, I pray that I never have a prodigal child. The word prodigal means reckless; one who lives with reckless and unrighteous choices. If my child should choose this path, I’m committed to being my child’s greatest advocate. I’ll pray, and I’ll let him or her know how much I love them and how valuable they are to me. A parent’s faithful prayers for their prodigal matters, and a godly parent is ready to receive them again. Luke 15:20
Persevere as a husband and father. Never grow weary of doing good. Never set down your sword and stop fighting the good fight for your wife and kids. There’s a radical responsibility in being a husband, and a critical responsibility in being a father. Yet, for some reason, the world regards these things as weak. Sadly, some men don’t value the marriage covenant, and they don’t see fatherhood as an enormous blessing. Instead, they sleep with women they aren’t married to, and have kids that they don’t raise. A real man will take up the mantle of husband and father; honoring both. Be a man of faith and perseverance! 1 Corinthians 16:13
Understand that the best earthly joy comes from your family. I’m simply going to put 3 John 1:4 right here, “I have no greater joy than this, to hear of my children walking in the truth.” That’s what matters!
So many more things can be said about being a godly husband and father. This list just scratches the surface. Here are some additional verses to meditate on as you consider this topic.
Show compassion to your kids – Psalm 103:13, “Just as a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear Him.”
Don’t provoke, or exasperate your kids – Ephesians 6:4, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”
Do your part to ensure a blessed future for your kids – Proverbs 20:7, “A righteous man who walks in his integrity – How blessed are his sons after him.”
Take charge of your household in a godly and righteous manner – Joshua 24:15, “As for me and my house, we will serve the LORD.”